And this is why we started our paperwork so early

Waiting the second time around is both easier and harder.  On a day-to-day level, I have the most wonderful son on the planet. Our family of three is amazing and better than I had ever dreamed it could be. I don’t fill my day with hopeless yearning.

On the flip side, I can’t not know things. I watch other people easily become pregnant (or even some of my IF friends who struggle with it) with number 2, and realize that V will be that much further apart in age from his sibling. My brother and I are 2.5 years apart, which allowed us to be in high school and college together, something I will always treasure. I want that for my children. But then I feel awful for what my wishes mean. I have to, on some level, hope someone cannot parent so that I can parent. I am that person that smiles a bit when a potential expectant parent who is considering adoption decides to parent.  Seeing how much I would miss V if he weren’t here makes me ache for his other mother. Wishing for that to happen again, even on a small level, makes me feel like a bad person.

I suppose that’s what keeps me grounded in being an adoptive parent. I don’t blindly call him mine without knowing I share him with someone else. Someone real that I may never know, someone who found herself in a situation that made placing V with us an option. As we approach Mothers’ Day every year, I think of her, because she is V’s mother just as much as I am. We’re both real.

That being said, I do want another child for our family, and with it comes the responsibility of acknowledging that it’s not all rainbow farting unicorns.  We started our paperwork last May, finishing it the first week of last July. Our homestudy, which was done in September on the same timeline for V last time around, wasn’t officially finished until November. The social worker was in no rush to get it done, despite our pleading. It was all posturing anyway, because there weren’t any potential matches for us at that point.

As a result, our paperwork is all expiring in the next few months, which means getting our physicals redone, as well as updating our background checks.  Then, by November, we’ll need our homestudy portion updated again. It’s a crappy cycle where half of our packet is 6 months off of the rest, a constant reminder that we don’t have a match.

I sent an email to our placement agency on Monday to check in, as I periodically do. They’re pretty consistent about not saying anything if there’s no news. If there’s even a sniff of a match, they get in touch with us though.  From before we were done with our homestudy for V until his ultimate placement, we got at least some interest every single month. There were 4 possible matches in 5 months, which includes the disrupted match that spanned two months.  This time, since being live with our agency in September, we’ve had nothing. Not even a hint.  Just a general belief from them that expectant mother contact is down across the board.  I have no idea if it’s true or not.

What I do know is that the agency has another issue that is taking a lot of their time. They’re small, which is why we like them. They know us and the expectant mothers that they work with, and truly try to find situations that work the best for everyone. Now, though, I have this gut feeling that they aren’t doing much outreach because of this other issue that has nothing to do with their day-to-day business. I feel for them with this other issue, I absolutely do, but now, a year after we started, it’s starting to get to me. This is my family.  We started so far in advance, assuming it’d be at worst a year until a match. But none of the waiting has been due to lack of anything on our part. It’s the homestudy agency that took an extraordinarily long time to do their work. It’s the placement agency (who again, I love, and I’m torn over this) who may not be working as hard as I know they usually do for their part of finding matches. It’s all out of our control, which is one of those anxiety-inducing things that I’ve been managing, but noticing creeping up a bit more than I’d like.

They haven’t written back since I sent the email asking if we should put out a web presence, update our profile, or anything else that we can control. Nothing. And that’s disheartening.

We’re meeting with another attorney who does placements on Tuesday, just to keep our options open.  The downside of this is twofold. One, most agencies/attorneys ask for anywhere from $7-$15,000 just to be listed with them. That money is non-refundable. We have to be very selective if we’re going to go with another group alongside our original agency.  The other issue is time, and mentally resetting our waiting clock. I mean, we could go with someone else and be matched tomorrow, or have another year’s wait ahead of us. In my head, it feels like the latter.

We could go with a larger group, but my gut says that we’d not get the same ethical attention to detail that we experienced with our first placement. I don’t want to have to choose between ethical and fast, especially when we’re already deep in the wait. Mr. Badger and I have strong issues with our kids being far apart in age, so we’re really feeling the ticking of the clock these days.

Anyhow, I’m putting it all out there in hopes that it lessens the weight on my heart and mind. I know my parents read this, and maybe even my ILs and Mr. Badger’s sister. If you do, please cut us some slack if we’re sensitive on this issue. To my dad especially, who has been extremely respectful of my personal space since our big blow up a few years back, I’ll let you know if I want to talk about it with you guys. Right now though, it’s too painful to really get into, so let me bring it up with you if I want to.

For the rest of you, do you have an ethical agency that you like? I’m needing a virtual hug, so, if you lurk, say something nice today. I could use it.