Our Family Beginnings

Or if someone else has been swept up in this mess.  I’m gonna email my agency and the attorney later to see what the case is.

http://www.adoptionplan.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=3631

Oh, and the icon is for the person referred to in the link, not any of the other people we work with and love.

eta:  Yep, it was our agency.  But I’m glad they did it.

I have so many different ways that I could start this post, but they all seem a bit inadequate.  I said to Mel, “It’s like any other miscarriage.  Near the end, you pretty much know it’s not going to work ou, but you still wait for the doctor to tell you definitively anyhow.”   We got that definitive blow off from the birthmother herself, in a voicemail on Christmas eve that was very upsetting.   I’m angry, hurt, sad, relieved (because this was gonna be a long lifetime with this birthmother), and more.  If she truly believes that she is doing what is best for her baby, then I can disagree with her choice, but as a mother in my heart, if nowhere else, I can’t begrudge her that.   My friend Kevin made a joke that made me smile – “ooh, sorry kid, you shoulda picked door #2″.

The agency believes that she’s not really going to parent.  I don’t know what to believe.  I trust our agency though, they’ve been put through the ringer with this almost as much as we have, so if she thinks it’s so, then I’m inclined to believe them.   If she is indeed going to place with someone else, then part of me wants to write her name on this blog over and over so that she’s googleable for having taken some of our money.   Part of me wants to just chalk it up to “shit happens”.  She’s got a tough enough life without us, and if there’s a chance that the baby won’t have to live in that environment, I don’t want to stand in the way.

Thinking that I could go all consumerist on her ass is comfort enough, I think.

I ended up crying on my mother-in-law’s shoulder, which helped – along with a plentiful amount of wine.  It helped in being able to pick myself up and not get into a self-pity place.  Life sucks, and I got a helmet…and some very nice clothes for Christmas.

Mr. Badger is sad, I’m sad, but you know what?  It is sad, and that’s okay.  Courtney reminds me that when I look into my baby’s eyes for the first time, it’ll all be worth it.  And I believe her.

The birthmother will not accept the amount of support that we are willing to give – ie, what is legally allowed by the courts.  So she’s done.  Back to the pool.  Merry freakin’ Christmas and Happy Chanukah to us.

I need to cancel our flight and forget how much money we just lost…and the child.

eta:  She has decided to parent.  She’s doing what she feels she needs to for herself and her child.

I’m trying, at a minimum.  On days I get calls, I gt around5-6 calls.  I actually am now not picking up the phone if she calls.  The only thing keeping us going is that she says that God wants her to place the baby with us.  45 minute phone call today, of which I recorded 32 minutes, because I only said about 3 minutes worth during that time.  With her rambling, it’s hard to retain what the issues are, but they are a lot.  We’re all hanging tight still, but I don’t see how she keeps up the level of drama that she has to stick with this plan through May.

It was easy to take it in stride until she really began to put me in the middle, not wanting to deal with the agency at all. The agency is doing what they can, and I trust in how they are handling it, but again – we find ourselves guarded.   Like a pregnancy that in week 17 is said to have major complications, I find it hard to look forward to seeing my family tomorrow and Mr. Badger’s next week.

I swear, I’m beginning to feel like the infertile who cried baby.

And I am truly compartmentalizing it, I swear, I’m just venting it out here.  It’s just really REALLY frustrating to have my hopes and emotions toyed with so regularly.  It’s a testament to my fortitude, for sure, but can’t we be done with testing that now?

http://blog.nataliedee.com/
This is a comic blogger who cracks me, up. She recently had a baby, and you need to scroll down to the entry called “Poop Blog”. Genius.

So we’re going down for the ultrasound on the 30th, where we’ll be meeting the birth mother as well of two of her three daughters.

It’s right after Christmas…and I feel like we should bring small gifts for everyone, but aside from the youngest, who is a Hannah Montana fan, I’m not sure what to get.  On one hand, it’s the holidays, and we feel like they are all sharing this huge event with us.  On the other we have.  We are of means.  Is it shitty to bring something?  I am leaning towards no, so long as it’s small.

So I need gift ideas for:

Birthmother
7 year old (though I think I am getting her a Hannah Montana wig, since birthmom and I were discussing HM’s hair and her daughter’s obsession of it)
12 year old girl who is in the choir
18 year old girl who is a new mom herself and is engaged

Or something for all of them…?

Again, we’re talking trinkety things, a pendant, a nail polish set, whatever.  Thoughts?   Or is this just a bad idea and I should just leave it at taking them out to lunch (Applebee’s or something).

Two years.  Two years I have been blogging about our quest for parenthood.

I could never have predicted the path that we are on, but I couldn’t imagine it without each and every one of you.

I spoke with the expectant mother again, and I think all is fine, just an adjustment for me in what to expect these next few months.  Phew.  Sorry for the freak out!

It all may come crashing down.

I had a great call with the birthmother a few hours ago, we really had a great talk, and made plans for 12/30.  But then an hour later she called in hysterics for a few reasons (no she was not asking me for money, though money was part of her crying) and said she didn’t think it would work out with the agency.

We’ll see, I called the agency, who is fully in the loop, and we’ll just hold tight.

Part of me wants to indulge in the crying.  Part of me wants to just dust off and chalk it up to life and part of the journey.  Part of me thinks that it is same shit, different day.

eta:  Birthmom just called back, and I think she was just having a moment, and still wants us down there for the ultrasound.

I may just write a bunch of posts while I have some mojo about me and schedule them to go up every few days, just because I finally have something to talk about.

This is actually real, which is very surreal.  Tonight we’re going to be calling the expectant mother to introduce ourselves and (drum roll) make plans to go with her to the doc on 12/30.  We’ll get to see the 10 little fingers and toes (hopefully) and find out the gender of little baby badger.

The projects we have before the due date, however are:

• Reno the guest bathroom, so any possible lead paint (hey, the house is from 1951) dust will be gone before the baby arrives
• Paint little baby badger’s room
• Finish that closet I destroyed before the homestudy, as well as put up the elfa for the tool closet downstairs.
• Create a registry, and order furniture for little baby badger
• Come up with a better blog name for little baby badger
• I’m sure more will come up, but those are the biggies.

All of a sudden, we are feeling verrrrrry poor.

It’s all so crazy though, I mean, most adoptions I read about are a month’s, maybe more, often less, notice.   We have five and a half months, assuming the baby is born on cue.  Unheard of kinds of time.  Like Big Ben Roethlisberger in the pocket kind of time*.  And yes, I am sure it’ll fly by, dang.  It’s gonna get colder and then get warmer again before this baby is here.  So much for the short gestation period of adoption!

One thing I really want to learn is how to take good photos.  Like Stacie quality photos.  I need to see if the local community college has photography classes in DC or something…

*it’s a football reference for you non-sport lovers.