Deep thoughts for Post 600
As V naps away, I am going to attempt a post I’ve been wanting to write for a while.
Adoption and the internet, and beyond.
If you have ever considered adoption, from any angle of the adoption triad (first parents, adoptee, adoptive parents), you may already have an inkling of where I am going.
The internet is a place that can suck you in to a black hole of questioning and doubt. One of the first sites I found when we seriously started our adoption path, was a site run by adoptees about the evils of adoption. I read a few posts and closed up the browser. Like most areas of importance, there are extreme highs and lows when people are passionate about things.
In the meantime I’ve made sure to continually educate myself on some of the challenges we’ll face as V gets older. His first mother has chosen a closed adoption, though we know some details about her from our agency. We also told the agency that should she want to reconsider, we would welcome an opportunity to navigate an open adoption with her. The first thing I whispered in V’s ear when we met him was “My name is LJ and I’m adopting you and will be your mom.” Mr. Badger said something similar. He will know his story, and we will respect his wishes as he chooses to share it as he grows.
There’s an adoptive parent’s blog that I read that does a roundup each week of posts from all points of view. Lately I’ve been really trying to read the ones that are from first mothers and adoptees. I am thankful that while many of these are extremely angry posts, they are also respectful and thought out in their arguments. The posts that I am thinking of right now, the posts that drove me to write today, are extremely anti-adoption. Adoption, in some eyes, is always bad, and should not be considered an option in our society. In these posts, first mothers and adoptees vilify the adoption industry as a money making scheme driven by those who cannot have children of their own and will take a child from another family’s arms.
Often, comments follow speaking to the notion that no adoptee can ever be truly happy with their adoptive parents, and if they claim to be, then those people are in denial. Same goes for first mothers who are comfortable with the adoption plan that was made. The commenters will say that if society didn’t push adoption, the first parents would never choose it.
The thing is, adoptive or not, parents can suck. Adopted or not, some kids are going to be screwed up, and sometimes through no fault of the parents. I worked for a year as a behavioral therapist, and encountered many adoptive and foster parents who were totally in it for the government benefits. I also know people who were adopted through Catholic Charities in the 60s and 70s and had first parents who were forced into adoption plans. There are lots of reasons why adoption can happen for the wrong reasons. I’m not even going into the ethical issues that can surround international adoption.
Adoption is not perfect. In a perfect world, every person who wants to parent, can, and everyone who chooses not to parent, doesn’t have to. This isn’t a perfect world. Social stigma, finances, politics, medical issues and more all come into play. We all have to deal with the hand we were given. V didn’t choose to be adopted, and we can’t force his feelings on the issue. I read the posts that cause me discomfort because I want to be aware. I want to know why some adoptees never feel connected with their adoptive families and the myriad of emotions that first parents experience. I want to be able to help educate V before he even has the capability of knowing which questions to ask. I want him to be comfortable asking when he does. I also don’t want to have a Hester Prynne red A on his chest for ADOPTED. He is our son, and he will always be loved and cherished by us.
All of that being said, I’m able to find balance in those who I know who are adopted or are from blended families themselves. While I have no idea on the percentages, I would be willing to bet that there are far more people who have come to terms with adoption from each piece of the triad than not. For some, it’s as much who they are as is being left or right handed. And there aren’t a lot of blogs out there by left handed people who are upset because they aren’t right handed.
Especially at this time of Thanksgiving, we are grateful that V’s first mother chose an adoption plan, but also are very cognizant of the flip side of that. There is loss here. A child was separated from his first family, and may never meet that family. A mother was in a set of circumstances where she felt unable to parent. V’s birthday is joyous for us, and for our family. It may also be a somber day for him, a day of pain and separation, and we will need to honor and respect those feelings as well should those feeling arise. Joy and pain are so closely tied, and I hope that as parents we can help V understand each.
Perfect timing to end the post, as I can here V beginning to stir. Until tomorrow, my friends.
This is a wonderful post to mark your 600th. Congratulations, by the way.
V is so incredibly lucky to have parents who are so caring and understanding of his journey thus far, and of the questions that may come in the future (which may spur other journeys altogether). Your love for him is so obvious and it appears truly boundless.
Lucky you. Lucky V.
There is so much good stuff in this post.
Well done, LJ.
An incredible post (and congratulations on it being the 600th post) where your eyes are open to every possibility–the good and the bad–and embrace that it can be a grey matter for your family and black-and-white for someone else and neither needs to disregard the fact that only those within the family know whether or not it works. Though, in my humble opinion as part of V’s Circle of Wisdom, it works. It works and then some.
beautiful post.
Wonderful post. Congrats on reaching your 600th post!
This is an important topic, and I enjoy reading how it feels for you to be an adopting mom. You have a wise perspective, and I think V is lucky for it.
My little brother is adopted, by way of closed domestic adoption when he was 3 days old, because my parents thought they couldn’t get pregnant again (I was 7). He has always felt as much my brother by blood as a brother could, though there are stark differences between us. Still, I’ll never forget the day I met him, and how happy I was to finally be a sister. I’m so glad his first mother made the choice she did, and my brother tells me he is, too.
as lori said, there is so much here.
you can’t control what other people do/think/say/feel, you can only control your own action/reaction. you do what you can, I think. and you’re doing it all so well for V! as mel said, what works for your family is what matters.
congrats on the big 600! wow.
Beautifully well written post. Your honesty in this post just proves how wonderfully you’ll parent V as he asks and answers all those tough questions
Happy 600!
The fact that you are so aware of a lot of different aspects of adoption and how it will (and has) affect you and Mr Badger and V–that in itself is so incredibly important–and you know I already think you all are awesome parents, and V will no doubt know how much he is loved.
This is a great post, and perfect for #600 (wow!). Would you mind sharing a link to the adoptive parent’s blog that you referenced above?
I think you have an excellent approach to this, and I agree that it’s important to look at views from all members of the adoption triad. No doubt there will be challenges ahead, but I think that you and Mr. Badger will be able to help V with any questions that he has.
Everyone always thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. My husband is adopted and although he has some issues with his adoptive parents, he has no idea what issues he would have with his biological parents – and I’m not so sure he wants to find out at this point. Furthermore, his sister, who is the biological child of their parents, always thought her parents favored their adopted son over her. I like reading the blogs of parents who adopt because it helps me understand how very much loved and wanted my husband must have been when his parents adopted him. Things get a little more complicated after that, but that’s the way it is with all families. I was raised by my biological parents and things aren’t perfect in our family either. Family is about the relationships we form with one another and the love we share, not about biology.
Wonderful post.
Beautiful post! You’ve said so many of the things that have been floating around my own head, only you’ve said it so much better than I ever could. Thanks for sharing!
I hope you don’t mind, but I found your blog via one of my Google Reader searches.
I’m an adult adoptee, in reunion with my natural family since July of 2008. I know that it’s really difficult for AP’s and PAP’s to truly understand what it means to be an adoptee…just as it’s difficult for adoptees and natural moms/parents to understand what it’s like to be an AP. I’m learning how to navigate the internet in a peaceful tone, rather than accusatory…I’m a definite work in progress in that aspect.
I truly appreciated the gentle tone of your post..and hope that you’ll visit my blog and know that my story is written to help, not scare AP’s, or anyone else.
With peace,
Cricket
Amazing, wise post.
Great post… Thank you for sharing it. I am drawn to hearing the various voices in the middle of the adoption discussions. A cushion against some of the more extreme voices. thank you for speaking your truth so clearly and calmly. Best wishes.
Great post.
Terrific post. You are an amazing mom.
I have seen the angry adoptees online too and I certainly feel for them. For what it’s worth, I have a number of friends in real life who were adopted and they are well-adjusted people. All of them, including domestic and int’l adoptees, have no interest in their biological families. In fact, adoption rarely comes up; I’m guessing it’s taken for what it is and they have moved on with their lives end of story.