That’s interesting
Upfront, I need to give a huge shout-out to my therapist. I have worked very hard to get to a place where I can set boundaries and limits with people. I can also express those boundaries and limits. That being said, when someone makes changes in their life, it is often difficult for those around them to accept this ‘new person’. I get that. I am a stronger person than I was, and I am damned proud of myself for it. I am not cowering in a corner, wondering if I did the right thing. I know I have done the right thing.
I have thought long about today’s post. Yesterday, my father found this blog. I called friends, Mr. Badger, and asked what I should do. My dad and I had a huge fight, not about the blog per se, but about bigger issues.
And we all put it out there, every day, on these blogs of ours. We bitch and moan and lament and cheer and all of that. Any of us COULD be found out. We’re not hidden in this community, there are no walls.
I could go password protect, but to what end? I don’t want to lose the support that I have built for Mr. Badger and myself. I know it, I don’t read PP sites as often. It’s the way it is. And the shit is out there, my pain and suffering. If they wanted to read it already, it’s been read.
Channeling Ms. Grey. I’m not ashamed of what I’ve said. It’s what I do to get through this crap we’ve been dealt, and I make no apologies for how I choose to fix what is broken in my life. I have found countless friends, and an entire wealth of knowledge and love despite what we are going through.
So it’s like they have found my diary, but I was silly enough to leave it on my bed for them to find. That’s fine. I’m not going to stop writing, or censor my emotions. This is my space to share my thoughts. And as such I will put out this disclaimer.
Friends, family, coworkers. I am not sure how you found this site. Maybe you googled me, maybe I told you about it. You’re here, and you are seeing my innermost psyche exposed. I may talk about you here, positively or negatively. I may say hurtful things about you or life in general. I may mean what I say, or say it here so that I can just get it off my chest and move on. How you interpret what I say, and what you do with this information is up to you.
I don’t write this blog to tell you things or to make you feel more or less comfortable. I write this blog for me and for perhaps another woman who may one day walk in my shoes. She may take one less test for me or fret one less minute because of some assvice I gave her, or not. I may offend your sensibilities, but that is not my concern here. My concern here is me. It is the place where I can be selfish, where I can judge, and where I can be safe.
So if you choose to read on, you do so at your own risk. I can’t make you respect my choices or my words. I can only ask that if you choose to read, you think about granting me that respect. This is who I am, and you can accept me as I am, or not. Your choice.
It sucks, the fight that he and I had. It’s sad that he saw this page, and saw what we have learned in the last week. It’s a shame that he could not step back and realize that right now, it’s not about him. He says that I have to accept him for who he is, and I do. But he can’t accept how I then treat him as a result of who he is. There are ramifications for what we say and do not say to people. I know that, and I can live proudly with my head held high, knowing I am doing right by me and my family (meaning Mr. Badger and myself). And that, my friends, is how an adult behaves.
eta: FTW equals ‘For The Win”
BRAVO!!!!!!! That was sooo awesome and well written. I want to know if I can copy and paste the disclaimer for if I ever need it in the future??
So inspiring!!!
LJ, I am sorry that you were found out. But, your disclaimer – I love it. You are right, there is no reason why you should apologize for what you have written here.
Wishing you well. And a Happy Fourth!
Wow–perfectly said. What’s the point of blogging if we can’t be 100% honest? Good for you!
I’m confused that he found anything offensive at all? I mean, it’s not like your full real name is out here. Some people just don’t get it….
Take care, we’re here for you, and know that we love you lots.
LJ –
I’m sorry you had to deal with a fight with your father on top of everything else you’re reeling from this week. I wish he was in a place to give you the support that you deserve.
You should NEVER feel like you have to justify yourself to anyone (even your parents). This blog is about YOU and you have every right to write about your feelings, etc.
I am sure you have helped a lot of women. I thank you personally for recommending me to the Dr. A because without your blog I may have not ever found her, and for that I say thank you.
LJ, Sorry to hear about the fight. I hope he’ll read your blog and understand what an amazing, smart, funny, and incredible daughter he has.
It was so good to see you yesterday. It helped me a lot to talk with you as I am sure this blog has helped a lot of people who are struggling just the way you are. I am one of them.
Great disclaimer there, very well said.
Sorry you had to say it though. And sorry that everything you’ve gone through the past 2 weeks has become about somebody else.
Well written.
I’d feel totally naked if my family found my blog, I’ve never written with the intention of them reading.
J
my therapist made me better, well-adjusted, at peace self. with her, i had a few sessions where i packed up dark parts of my childhood in a suit case that i have never reopened. things that had impacted my daily life. just like that-poof they were gone. i could not have survived infertility without her. no way. and like you, i am a pretty strong cookie.
speaking of-i would not have fared well at all without my blog. i can’t imagine how people cope without it. i was a infertility moron before all the great advice my readers offered. i learned to advocate for myself and ourselves within the medical community, how to help my marriage along the way, that my four miscarriages weren’t my fault, and most importantly, that i.was.not.alone.
i am glad that you are not password protecting so far, because i suspect like me, you need the support.
oxoxo
This post was like a piece of my own life. A while back I made my blog password protected because one of my husband’s biz partners had used information on it to hurt my husband. I lost a lot of readers and felt terribly alone during one of the worst parts of this crap infertility journey. I decided a few months ago to unpublish the really bad posts and make my blog public once again. Well the wife of the asshole has a google reader set up and thus since she is a stay at home mom and has no life, she read all of the archives (since they now appeared as new posts) and called my husband’s best friend (whose the pres. of the company)and said that I was saying things that were bad for the company etc. My husband then called me and I made the choice to unpublish all of the archives. The fact is I have never mentioned anywhere on my blog the name of my husband’s bis, what he does in detail, our last name, or anything that could be viewed as detrimental to the Company. I say Bravo for not censoring yourself. I think there will always be people in our lives who have a hard time swallowing the truth about themselves and their actions.
I’m here from the creme list… well said! I have family and friends who read my blog, but I’ve been lucky in that they’ve been great when I vent about things (and them).
Here from Creme.
Fantastic disclaimer! I have a few friends who read my blog but they know about our struggles. I know my brother reads from time to time but if more people find it, then I may need one myself.
Here from Creme…
Great post. Why don’t people realize that we all have uncomplimentary thoughts about them that we don’t share with them? Why is it OK to talk about someone behind their back, but not OK to vent in an anonymous forum? At least in the anonymous (yes, but also very public, I understand) forum, no one is going to be able to judge you personally because they don’t know who you are.
Of course, you can always stop being diplomatic in real life, and see which they prefer!
I like this post as it pretty much defines what it is like to be a blogger, especially one who is in the IF community. Its about support and having the openess to get that support.
(Here from the Creme)
I really like the letter you wrote. I’ve worried about a couple of people finding my blog, mostly because I love them very much but yet have said things in times of hurt that may make them feel bad. Yet they were things that I needed to release and get out in order to move on. You address this very well.
Wow! I love this post because it is like you are reading my mind. I have been trying to figure out what to do because I found out my sis has been reading my blog. She has read every word and has yet to tell me. I have been trying to decide what to do. I need to write something like this.
I remember reading this before and it still resonates. I often wonder how I would feel and what I might say if a family member found my blog. (it’s not like the pseudonym protects so much.) I’d like to think I’d be as graceful as you are here, telling it like it is, as usual.
Here from the Creme: Bravo! Written straight from the heart!
Sometimes with all that we do have no control over – it is nice to have a place to be ourselves, censor nothing, withhold nothing and be ultimately in charge of. Bravo to you for sticking up for your place.
Many good wishes to you.
Creme de la Creme 2008