Our Family Beginnings

Probably got a little bit of each going on right now, frankly.  I just bought three pairs of shoes, which I did need, as a treat.

I also got the results back for everything but the biopsy and here’s what we found out, and I’ll explain along the way what it means:

Red Blood Cells/Hemoglobin/Hemocrit are all low
Basically, I’m always tired all the time because, shockingly, I am basically anemic.

Low seratonin levels
No shit, Sherlock.  Color me surprised.

Platelets are high
This is commonly seen in those with clotting disorders, where someone clots too much.

Homozygotic for PAI-1 4G4G allele and MTHFR
We don’t know much about it, but the PAI-1 is another clotting disorder to go along with my MTHFR.  From the lab sheet: Elevated PAI-1levels are associated with an increased risk of coronary artery diseas, venous thromboembolic disease and possibly complications of pregnancy such as recurrent abortion.

Protein C-Functional is High
Again, this is a clotting disorder.  Starting to get the picture?

TH1:TH2 ratios are High and the Natural Killer CD3 cell % was high
In a nutshell, I have high natural killer cells.  I am a natural born killer.  For things like disease and cancer?  My body will respond like a champ.  For allergies?  My body kinda goes into overdrive.  For a fetus?  It wants to kill the motherfucker.  Again, from lab stuff: These cells are the most important in our immune system. They are low when the immune system is weak (suppressed) and normal when the immune system is healthy. Infertile patients and patients with recurrent pregnancy losses have values in the high normal range. These individuals have immune systems that are strong – even overactive. A strong overactive immune system is associated with a 5% incidence of autoimmune diseases for example, thyroiditis, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis.

DQ Alpha (Genotype) – Lindsay 0505, 0505 Fred 0501, 0505
Fred and I are very similar genetically.  We’re not talking backwoods West Virgina similar, but historically from the old country similar.  Kinda can mean trouble for getting good embryos.

So Lindsay, what does this mean?

This means a  lot.  Treatment for the clotting is the standard lovenox and baby aspirin.  Treatment for the killer cells is the Rheumatoid Arthritis drug, Humira.  Treatment for the DQ Alpha issue…an experimental treatment in Mexico.

That’s where Mr. Badger and I draw the line.  If we need to go to a foreign country and a foreign hospital for treatment?  That’s the shit they do Dateline specials on.  No thanks.

On top of that, we no longer qualify for shared risk.  We are, as my RE put it, big time out.

So we’re done.  A genetic child is not in the cards for us.  Onwards and upwards, which reminds me, I need to call the fire department about that inspection, since they haven’t called us back.

To misquote Dr. Bailey – they can all finally stop looking at my vajayjay. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to use that icon.

Edited to add:  We will likely get our money back from the shared risk, and right now, I am just happy to finally have an answer.

First off, Congrats to Leah on the birth of her son!!

But, it’s all about me here, so I am gonna whine away.

We met with the RE on Friday to go over the results and plan our next steps.  She’s not convinced that we need to do donor yet, and also understands our general feeling that we’d go to adoption and skip donor entirely.

Her thoughts:

• Check my genes (which I wish we had done when we ran Fred’s but hindsight is 20/20)
• Check my uterus via endometrial biopsy
• Do an immunological workup to see if there’s a cause there
• If everything is normal, do PGD to check the embryo’s genes

The endometrial biopsy is tricky for me, because you are supposed to do it at a certain point in the cycle, but my cycles are clearly not normal.  Tomorrow will mark 7 weeks since my last period, and before you get excited, they did bloodwork, and I am not pregnant.  I am just fucking sick and tired of no one having any clue why I don’t cycle, and I don’t know who I see to fix it.  So the doctor will have to figure out a way to manipulate my cycle to mimic a real cycle without affecting my “natural” cycle.  Fucking A.

The immunology is another weird one.  It’s apparently not been around long, and so the lab they use is over in California.  I am sure there are real tests to be run here, but it’s still a little weird.  Go see their site, here.  Of course this and the genetic stuff take months to do, and I am just so tired of it all.  I am sick of being a human lab rat.  I just want a family, and I don’t want to keep waiting.  But, wait we must.  And the immuno-stuff, most likely thousands of $$ and not covered.  Good times.

It’s getting harder too.  I live my life with this overhanging cloud that it isn’t the life I was supposed to be leading now.  I should be the one with a baby, trying to figure out how to balance it all.   Everything reminds me of it.  Going out with friends for example.  If we had a kid, we wouldn’t go out the same way we do now.  And I can feel my hostility being taken out on people around me, and that’s not fair to them or me.

There’s no satisfying escape for me right now, you know?  And we still know no more than we did at the start of all this.  Nothing’s ruled in or out really.  I’m just angry all the time, and I don’t want to be.  It makes me want to not see or talk to people, cause with you ladies, you get it.  And my friends are wonderful, but I don’t want to wear out my welcome, cause this is literally the only thing I can think about right now.  Sigh.

Well, here we are. The equilateral triangle of suck. Mr. Badger and I met with the male fertility specialist who ran countless reports for us. Here’s a rundown:

• No problems with the testicles themselves
• Blood and hormones are all normal
• Chromosomes are all normal
• Count is great
• Motility: a little low on the % that move, but fine. Forward progression is sluggish though.
• Morphology is borderline at 6% but nothing that is of concern to the doc
• Interesting tidbit – of those 6%, only 2% can pop their cap, releasing the enzyme that allows them to bury into the egg. Average is 15%

So basically, ICSI can answer the issues that Mr. Badger is having, and there is no determined reasons for where he’s slightly below normal. While he cannot rule it out entirely, the doctor is convinced it is not likely a sperm issue that we are having. There are no other tests that he could imagine running at this point.

What came next fucked with our heads. We asked point blank if he’d continue with IVF/ICSI – he said that with the amount we have transferred, he wouldn’t. He recommended shaking up the gametes to see what the issue could be. However, even if we do this, we won’t know if things were better by chance or have anything to treat even if we isolate if it is an egg or sperm issue. Our options, as he laid out are:

• Donor sperm with my eggs
• Donor egg with 1/2 Mr. Badger’s sperm, 1/2 donor sperm
• Donor everything
• Adoption

We are going to meet with our RE on Friday to go over things, but we’re not really interested in donor options. It just isn’t for us. Perhaps donor egg, but even that is just tough to swallow. So we’re gonna try IVF with our own material again but really start moving with adoption. How does one even decide what to do? I mean, we literally are at the edge of what medicine can tell us, and all they can tell us is literally – we don’t know what’s wrong. Clearly there’s an issue if I am now 2 weeks late for AF (which I didn’t expect on time, don’t get excited people) and really don’t ovulate on my own, and Mr. B’s swimmers have some issues. All our problems SHOULD be answered by IVF/ICSI, but clearly no one knows what the causes of those issues are.

It sucks. We should not have to choose how we make our child, unless it’s who’s on top. It’s terribly distressing. We could follow one path, and get to another dead end, and be right back where we are. Adoption is the only relatively safe bet. It may take a while, but in the end it’s better odds than IVF or Donor.

Thanks to you who are still reading. I know I’ve been a crap friend in replying to emails and calls and stuff. I’m traveling for work, and just…talking is hard right now. The comments mean so much to me though, so soothe my ego a little and say hi. Just knowing you are there is the best thing for me.

“Well, I’m gonna take my non-functioning replica testicles and head to work,” said Mr. Badger as he left this morning.  This was not easy news to share with him, and it’s hit him like a ton of bricks.  Even though he’s Catholic, he’s got quite the great knack for some good Jewish humor.  It reminds me of what my grandfather used to say, “Cancer-schmancer, as long as you’ve got your health.”  We’re sick fucks, what can I say?

I emailed the RE and she said that she wants to run some tests, and that donor was actually the last of the options that we’d be discussing tomorrow – which was a nice load off.  I mean, we’ll see.  LIW helped me to put together a good list of questions to ask, so if you have some for us, feel free to spread the assvice.  Some questions we have are, If we are already doing ICSI, why should the morphology matter if his count is good?  Mr. Badger is already eating well, taking every recommended vitamin in the world – what else should he be doing?

Frankly, this could be a genetic thing too.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but it took the Big Badgers 5 years to have Mr. Badger and then another 5 to have his sister.  Considering Mrs. Big Badger had a hysterectomy a few years after that, I think everyone assumed that the issue was her (sound familiar, ladies?) – but it may have been Mr. Big Badger…

The nice thing was that the RE said that I would be pregnant, it’s just a question of when.  We have three paid shots left.  Theoretically we have three frozens as well, but I’m not counting on those, since we only had 1 out of the last 3 give us frozens.

So we dust ourselves off, and start again.  My best friend said to me the other day, “You are just so remarkable, I really admire you guys.”  I replied, “I think I’d rather be pregnant than admired”.  She said, “I think we can do both.”

We can hope…and in the meantime, enjoy our infertility-induced alcoholism.

The RE called to tell me, and she wants me and Mr. Badger to come in as soon as possible to talk about the sperm issue and some options for us. She says it isn’t a question of if we get pregnant, but when.

I’m gonna check in with Mr. Badger now, and let you know what the doc says once we meet with her…

I’m figuring that one option will be donor, which we’d likely skip.  For those of you who have ideas, what else could she suggest for MFI issues – specifically good count but poor morphology?

I decided to go in and get my beta today.  I told the nurse that I knew this cycle didn’t work and I just wanted to get on with things as opposed to waiting another 2 days full of drugs I don’t need.  I’ll post the official results later today.  Don’t sit on the edge of your seats though, seriously.

In the meantime, I have something much more fun to talk about.  The next meeting of The Order of the Plastic Uterus is happening on this coming Sunday.

If you are going to be in the DC area for the Resolve conference the day before, you should think about staying on another day and meeting up with all of us.  Lurkers, bloggers, new moms and new to the crew are all welcome and encouraged to join.

If you’d like details, leave me a comment and I’ll shoot you an email (just make sure you fill the box that asks for your email address).

Basic details are:

• 1pm, Sunday, April 13th
• Grilling and Dessert Fest (bring me something to throw on the grill, or bring something sinfully delish.  Soft drinks would also be good, or a side.
• How long?  Until you feel like leaving.
• Where?  My house!  (that’s where me emailing you comes in)
• Who?  Quite possibly the most awesome and fun group of women you could ever dream of meeting.

So if I haven’t heard that you’re coming from the DC Stirrup Queen google group, leave a comment so I know how many buns to pick up.  Also – there will be veggie burgers, so if you have a specific kind you like, let me know.

Yeah, let’s call this for what it is. I’m at the beach with 10 friends. I’m drinking, cause this cycle is done. Negative as a ghost. My beta isn’t until Wednesday, but I know the drill at this point.

Back to the start. I’m okay with it today, pissed and disappointed. But I am with friends and at the beach. I’m not gonna complain. Not until I am home by myself

Thank you to each and every one of you who has been here in words and thoughts through this 2ww. Your support means more to me than I can ever express to you.

Okay, enough screwing around.  POAS with FMU and a FRER this morning.  Negative.  11 dpo.

Yes, still earlyish.  Yes, plenty of folks are negative up to betas at 14dpo.

Does it all have to be like this?  Can I get a fucking break here? 5 embryos people.  5.

I got nothing.  Nothing to add or say today. I dunno, I am uninspired.  I am mentally where I was yesterday, maybe plus a little more nervous.  I mean, I know it could not work…I just haven’t accepted that yet, and it’s slowly creeping into my brain. (icanneitherconfirmnordenythaipeedonadollartreetestthismorningandthatitwaswhite)

One week to beta.

My ute/bladder area just feels full.  I’m still more just saying that for future cycle reference than thinking it is anything.

Um.  yeah.

Oh, and Leatherheads?  Not really a great movie, even with the Clooney/Krasinski man-candy.  It was silly.  Not horrible, not really good either.  It was a good (and free) distraction though last night.   In and Out of Luck and I are going to lunch on Friday.  That’s a good distraction too.

I am gonna sit here and ruminate.   Oh yeah, happy anniversary to me.  I got my one and only lick of good news last year when I got my beta back and was told I was pregnant…for a day.

I am very proud of myself.  9dpo – and I haven’t peed anywhere except directly into the toilet.  Ah IF blogging, where statements like that produce thoughtful nods from readers as opposed to grotesque stares.  I’m probably giving Leah a coronary.  If she had her way, she’d be here when I got up in the morning just to taunt me with a stick to pee on.  It’s a good thing she lives about 40 minutes away, cause I’d take that stick outta her hands so fast…

I’m still REALLY positive about this cycle.  So positive, in fact, that I am TERRIFIED.  I mean, with all this hope and optimism, there’s no WAY it could be positive.  That’s how my twisted little mind plays with me.  In my head, I’ve only gotten a positive once, and that was an ill-fated year ago tomorrow  (remind me not to POAS tomorrow – kthx).  I’m used to disappointment.  Even worse, I am used to getting my hopes up and STILL being disappointed.  This is nothing new to blogs like mine.   In the dark recesses of my brain, it just feels like I’d be stupid to believe this can and will work.

And I have a lot of hope.  The greater the hope, the greater the  equal and opposite fear of failure.  All in all, I think I’m balancing it pretty well.  There’s no good answer here except waiting.  Waiting blows.  It fucking blows, can I just tell you that?

But I’m not peeing on sticks.  In the past, it was more of a masochistic little ritual.  A mental “ok, there’s NO way that this could be positive, so HOW COOL would it be if it was”.  Except I’d pee.  As expected, it’d be white.  As also expected, I’d be crushed.  Rinse, lather, repeat.  So this time, I’m not peeing until it has a good chance of being positive.  That means waiting until 12 dpo.  That’s Friday morning.  Now granted, I really want to not do it on Friday.  Friday we go to Rehoboth Beach for the weekend with friends and friends of our friend -11.5 people.  Why the point 5?  Come now, you have to know that someone’s preggers on this trip.  So knowing me, I’ll go nuts with anxiety if I go away on a white stick.  That means, I shouldn’t pee until 14dpo, or Sunday afternoon.

…it’s really fucking tempting though.