Our Family Beginnings

I’ll admit, I’ve always been a sleepy person.  If I had to choose between being a morning person or a night person, I’d be a morning person.  More accurately, I’m a sleepy person.  I still remember my grandfather sweetly mocking me saying how tired I was. In college, if a paper or studying wasn’t totally done by the time I faded, I shrugged and figured that’s as good as it would get and turned in.  All nighters? Not for me. I need my (at least) 8 hours.  Fighting it is futile, and I’m okay with that.

With swimming twice a week for 90 minutes and running about 25 miles a week, I have been using V’s naptime as a nap for myself as well. And as Calliope, E’s Mama, Mel, and N can tell you, I have been REALLY tired.  I’ve since cut out the swimming for a few weeks, but I’m still pretty snoozy.  Of note, both my folks are hypothyroid.  I didn’t even realize, but apparently my mom even was taking thyroid supplements in her twenties! Having a slow thyroid can definitely do a number on one’s energy level.

One of the great things about the steps we take for adoption is that they require a full physical, and my doc always checks my thyroid levels.  As anyone who dealt with fertility issues know, having unexplained fertility sucks so much worse than having something you can treat.  So with that knowledge, I was almost hoping for a medical explanation for my fatigue.

Well, the doc’s nurse called me yesterday, and it seems that my thyroid is indeed sluggish!  I’m going in for more tests today, but hopefully, relief is on the way.  Otherwise, I might have been sleep running on my long slow runs!

My celiac panel, thyroid test, and blood work show that I’m fit as a fiddle! No celiac disease for me, and I’m just gonna go ahead and say I’m not lactose intolerant.

That is a very nice way to end the month and start the holiday feasting season, though my jeans may disagree.

A year ago I got the BlackBerry Storm, aka the iBerry.  I loved it, I still like it.  But from what I have heard, some people on the other side of my calls couldn’t hear me.  As such, I am selling the ‘berry and have gone Droid.

Oh.  Oh my.  Droid, you are very very sexy.  And sleek.  And connected to all of my googley needs.

I love thee so, and have been playing with it since V went to bed.   Since my afternoon was spent at the doc, there was no real time to post.

A synopsis from the doc visit though.  He took the celiac concern seriously, but also is going to run tests on my thyroid and regarding my anemia.  I’ve had thyroid tests before, but considering I’ve always been on the low side, and both my folks are hypothyroids, I’m happy to have it monitored.

He also wants me to give up dairy for two weeks.  Two weeks because I am seeing him in three weeks and we agreed that asking me to do that at Thanksgiving was cruel and unusual punishment.  I doubt I am lactose intolerant, but hey, I’ll test for anything.  Even if it means soymilk in my morning coffee.  That’s one great thing about IF.  You wanna test something and not play with my girly bits?  Have at it, doc!

Today, this is one of the questions I am asking myself, amongst others. The reason being is that my dad, at the ripe age of 61 was just diagnosed with celiac disease. He had gotten lyme disease twice this year (he lives in Connecticut and he and my mom have indoor/outdoor cats, what do you want?) and had another rash check. Turns out it’s a common rash for celiac sufferers.

Did you know that women who have a father with celiac disease are at greater risk to get the disease themselves? Oh, and that it’s been linked to infertility as well as anxiety and depression? Yeah. I read off some of the symptoms to Mr. Badger over IM yesterday: fatigue, infertility or recurrent miscarriage, iron-deficiency, fatigue, bone or joint pain, depression or anxiety. When he got home, he gave me a big hug, kind of like an “I’m so sorry” hug. But wait, that kind of hug over my dad?

Apparently he spent downtime reading up on the disease, which causes an inability to handle gluten of any sort (wheat, rye, barley, flour, and other foods that come in contact with these things in processing) and is convinced I have it. It was sweet, he even was trying to soothe me by pointing out sites like Gluten-Free Girl and what not.

Now, Mr. Badger is not the tin-foil hat, conspiracy theory, hypochondriac type.  He tends towards mild diagnoses of issues as the likely cause, but for this…he seems pretty intense.  So I whipped open my laptop when he was home from work and we went through a number of the possible symptoms:

Gastrointestinal symptoms:

• Diarrhea – I dunno, I mean, I don’t constantly have the shits, but I don’t have the most solid poops.  Who sits around and compares their poop consistency with someone else’s?  I mean, I’ll talk about V’s poop, but mine?
• Constipation – Not really a big one on my list, SCORE!
• Chronic indigestion – Not really. Another check for not having it!
  
• Chronic bloating – Crap.  Yeah, always.
  
• Poor appetite – Okay, this one’s vague. I can’t eat a lot at once, I prefer small nibbling.  I don’t go without eating though.
• Abdominal cramping, pain, and distention. – Again, it kinda depends. It’s not the kind of thing that I’d ever feel a need to get checked out.  If you’re used to something, it becomes normal.  I don’t ever double over or get scared from any distension, but does it happen? Sure.
• Mouth Ulcers – No! Woo hoo!
• Lactose intolerant – Not that I know!

Non-Gastro symptoms:

• Weight loss – Not to be crass, but, I wish?
• Fatigue - Yup. Damn.
• Anemia – I am almost always borderline anemic. Bugger.
• Osteopenia or osteoporosis – Haven’t ever checked this, who knows. We’ll go with no for now.
• Abnormal coagulation due to deficiency of vitamin K – I have a few clotting issues, sayeth ye olde RE, so maybe?
• Bacterial overgrowth of the small intestine - I assume they’ll test for this if necessary.
• Dermatitis herpetiformis (a specific type of extremely itchy rash, sometimes called a “gluten rash”) – This is what my dad had, but I don’t think I’ve had it.
• Unexplained short stature – I’m 5’7″, not an issue.
• Delayed puberty – I got my period at 13, similar to plenty of friends.
• Infertility – Heh.
• Recurrent miscarriage – That would assume I could *get* pregnant. But the one time I was, I miscarried.
• Dental enamel abnormalities – I plead the 5th on this one due to other factors at play.
• Autoimmune endocrine disorders, including thyroid disease – My folks both have thyroid issues, I assume that one day I will too.
• Depression and anxiety – Heh, part 2.
• Peripheral neuropathy (tingly hands and feet) – I have COLD hands and feet, but not tingly.
• Ataxia – Nope.
• Epilepsy – Nope.
• Subtle abnormalities in blood tests for no obvious reason (also referred to as “unexplained abnormal serum chemistries”) – I personally think some of my tests look weird, like consistently high red blood count, but no one has ever shown concern for this.
• Elevated liver function tests – Never had a test.
• Low serum (blood) protein levels – Dunno
• Low serum (blood) calcium levels – Dunno

After reading these aloud with Mr. Badger, he again gave me that look and stroked my head.  The problem is, celiac disease is one of the most misdiagnosed diseases.  Doctors will call it many things, because of the variability of the sypmtoms and their severity among sufferers.

That being said, I have an appointment with a gastroenterologist group on Monday, and a backup appointment with *the* top celiac specialist in the area in late January.  So if the first doc isn’t receptive to seeking out a celiac issue and the full gamut of tests (bloodwork and a *gulp* intestinal biopsy), then I’ll find someone who will.  I’m not someone who wants to have a disease, but from what I’ve read about the lack of good diagnosticians in this area, I’ll fight for this one.

Oh, and the post title?  Apparently two types of poop float on a regular basis. People, like vegetarians, who get LOTS of fiber in their diet, and people who have a gastrointestinal issue, like celiac, because their body isn’t getting enough of the fat and nutrients out of their food.  A floater here and there isn’t a big deal, but consistently…let me just go all TMI on you and say, oh crap.

Probably got a little bit of each going on right now, frankly.  I just bought three pairs of shoes, which I did need, as a treat.

I also got the results back for everything but the biopsy and here’s what we found out, and I’ll explain along the way what it means:

Red Blood Cells/Hemoglobin/Hemocrit are all low
Basically, I’m always tired all the time because, shockingly, I am basically anemic.

Low seratonin levels
No shit, Sherlock.  Color me surprised.

Platelets are high
This is commonly seen in those with clotting disorders, where someone clots too much.

Homozygotic for PAI-1 4G4G allele and MTHFR
We don’t know much about it, but the PAI-1 is another clotting disorder to go along with my MTHFR.  From the lab sheet: Elevated PAI-1levels are associated with an increased risk of coronary artery diseas, venous thromboembolic disease and possibly complications of pregnancy such as recurrent abortion.

Protein C-Functional is High
Again, this is a clotting disorder.  Starting to get the picture?

TH1:TH2 ratios are High and the Natural Killer CD3 cell % was high
In a nutshell, I have high natural killer cells.  I am a natural born killer.  For things like disease and cancer?  My body will respond like a champ.  For allergies?  My body kinda goes into overdrive.  For a fetus?  It wants to kill the motherfucker.  Again, from lab stuff: These cells are the most important in our immune system. They are low when the immune system is weak (suppressed) and normal when the immune system is healthy. Infertile patients and patients with recurrent pregnancy losses have values in the high normal range. These individuals have immune systems that are strong – even overactive. A strong overactive immune system is associated with a 5% incidence of autoimmune diseases for example, thyroiditis, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis.

DQ Alpha (Genotype) – Lindsay 0505, 0505 Fred 0501, 0505
Fred and I are very similar genetically.  We’re not talking backwoods West Virgina similar, but historically from the old country similar.  Kinda can mean trouble for getting good embryos.

So Lindsay, what does this mean?

This means a  lot.  Treatment for the clotting is the standard lovenox and baby aspirin.  Treatment for the killer cells is the Rheumatoid Arthritis drug, Humira.  Treatment for the DQ Alpha issue…an experimental treatment in Mexico.

That’s where Mr. Badger and I draw the line.  If we need to go to a foreign country and a foreign hospital for treatment?  That’s the shit they do Dateline specials on.  No thanks.

On top of that, we no longer qualify for shared risk.  We are, as my RE put it, big time out.

So we’re done.  A genetic child is not in the cards for us.  Onwards and upwards, which reminds me, I need to call the fire department about that inspection, since they haven’t called us back.

To misquote Dr. Bailey – they can all finally stop looking at my vajayjay. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to use that icon.

Edited to add:  We will likely get our money back from the shared risk, and right now, I am just happy to finally have an answer.

First off, Congrats to Leah on the birth of her son!!

But, it’s all about me here, so I am gonna whine away.

We met with the RE on Friday to go over the results and plan our next steps.  She’s not convinced that we need to do donor yet, and also understands our general feeling that we’d go to adoption and skip donor entirely.

Her thoughts:

• Check my genes (which I wish we had done when we ran Fred’s but hindsight is 20/20)
• Check my uterus via endometrial biopsy
• Do an immunological workup to see if there’s a cause there
• If everything is normal, do PGD to check the embryo’s genes

The endometrial biopsy is tricky for me, because you are supposed to do it at a certain point in the cycle, but my cycles are clearly not normal.  Tomorrow will mark 7 weeks since my last period, and before you get excited, they did bloodwork, and I am not pregnant.  I am just fucking sick and tired of no one having any clue why I don’t cycle, and I don’t know who I see to fix it.  So the doctor will have to figure out a way to manipulate my cycle to mimic a real cycle without affecting my “natural” cycle.  Fucking A.

The immunology is another weird one.  It’s apparently not been around long, and so the lab they use is over in California.  I am sure there are real tests to be run here, but it’s still a little weird.  Go see their site, here.  Of course this and the genetic stuff take months to do, and I am just so tired of it all.  I am sick of being a human lab rat.  I just want a family, and I don’t want to keep waiting.  But, wait we must.  And the immuno-stuff, most likely thousands of $$ and not covered.  Good times.

It’s getting harder too.  I live my life with this overhanging cloud that it isn’t the life I was supposed to be leading now.  I should be the one with a baby, trying to figure out how to balance it all.   Everything reminds me of it.  Going out with friends for example.  If we had a kid, we wouldn’t go out the same way we do now.  And I can feel my hostility being taken out on people around me, and that’s not fair to them or me.

There’s no satisfying escape for me right now, you know?  And we still know no more than we did at the start of all this.  Nothing’s ruled in or out really.  I’m just angry all the time, and I don’t want to be.  It makes me want to not see or talk to people, cause with you ladies, you get it.  And my friends are wonderful, but I don’t want to wear out my welcome, cause this is literally the only thing I can think about right now.  Sigh.

Well, here we are. The equilateral triangle of suck. Mr. Badger and I met with the male fertility specialist who ran countless reports for us. Here’s a rundown:

• No problems with the testicles themselves
• Blood and hormones are all normal
• Chromosomes are all normal
• Count is great
• Motility: a little low on the % that move, but fine. Forward progression is sluggish though.
• Morphology is borderline at 6% but nothing that is of concern to the doc
• Interesting tidbit – of those 6%, only 2% can pop their cap, releasing the enzyme that allows them to bury into the egg. Average is 15%

So basically, ICSI can answer the issues that Mr. Badger is having, and there is no determined reasons for where he’s slightly below normal. While he cannot rule it out entirely, the doctor is convinced it is not likely a sperm issue that we are having. There are no other tests that he could imagine running at this point.

What came next fucked with our heads. We asked point blank if he’d continue with IVF/ICSI – he said that with the amount we have transferred, he wouldn’t. He recommended shaking up the gametes to see what the issue could be. However, even if we do this, we won’t know if things were better by chance or have anything to treat even if we isolate if it is an egg or sperm issue. Our options, as he laid out are:

• Donor sperm with my eggs
• Donor egg with 1/2 Mr. Badger’s sperm, 1/2 donor sperm
• Donor everything
• Adoption

We are going to meet with our RE on Friday to go over things, but we’re not really interested in donor options. It just isn’t for us. Perhaps donor egg, but even that is just tough to swallow. So we’re gonna try IVF with our own material again but really start moving with adoption. How does one even decide what to do? I mean, we literally are at the edge of what medicine can tell us, and all they can tell us is literally – we don’t know what’s wrong. Clearly there’s an issue if I am now 2 weeks late for AF (which I didn’t expect on time, don’t get excited people) and really don’t ovulate on my own, and Mr. B’s swimmers have some issues. All our problems SHOULD be answered by IVF/ICSI, but clearly no one knows what the causes of those issues are.

It sucks. We should not have to choose how we make our child, unless it’s who’s on top. It’s terribly distressing. We could follow one path, and get to another dead end, and be right back where we are. Adoption is the only relatively safe bet. It may take a while, but in the end it’s better odds than IVF or Donor.

Thanks to you who are still reading. I know I’ve been a crap friend in replying to emails and calls and stuff. I’m traveling for work, and just…talking is hard right now. The comments mean so much to me though, so soothe my ego a little and say hi. Just knowing you are there is the best thing for me.

You gals are right, you deserve a real post. I just haven’t been inspired to say much. I mean, how many times can I say “This Sucks” and “I am out of patience/tired of waiting”. I haven’t even wanted to think the thoughts any more, so I have kinda thrown myself into my Patrick Dempsey obsession like it is a full time job. Grey’s was GREAT last week, and this week Made of Honor comes out. Does anyone wanna go see it with me on Friday? I don’t want to subject Mr. Badger to any more of my fangirl squeeeing than he needs.

It’s a nice avoidance technique. Focus on the pretty-to-look-at man and ignore the world. Works for me! Mr. Badger really is a saint.

Speaking of which, he starts his first solo hearing today with a judge that eats people like him for breakfast. And to celebrate, what did he have first? His SA. Poor Mr. Badger.

So I’ve been trying to keep busy. I biked about 12-13 miles on Saturday. Don’t be too impressed, it was mostly downhill or flat. Not fitting into clothes has got me exercising a bit. It’s hard, working from home. I mean, I don’t get any movement that if I were in an office I’d get. Sucks. I mean, I look okayyyy, but there are times I miss not having fat in places it doesn’t belong. I’m about 155lbs right now and I think I’d be better off at around 140. Whatever, I’m trying not to obsess. Obsession is for my celebrity crush.

And we wait. We wait for news. I was out of patience a year ago. Now I am just in limbo.

How about my thoughts on last week’s episode? If you haven’t seen it, don’t read any further, mmmk? Also, I may mention spoilery things in here, so avoid this if you want surprises.

I was really keeping my expectations low for this episode. Shonda Rhimes has gone on record to say that Meredith and Derek will be together for good by the end of the season. Last we left them, they were broken up, so I expected an awkward transition. However, I was impressed how they pulled the episode off.

My Meredith is in therapy! Can she drag the rest of Seattle Grace, ’cause they could all use it? They handled it pretty well, and I love Amy Madigan as the therapist.

Klexie (klepto Lexie) and George. I actually like Lexie, and I love that she basically pilfered the entire hospital for their “crapartment”. I like that Lexie and Meredith are actually being sisterly at times. Meredith is fighting it a bit, but I think it is great that Meredith has family.

George! He was not annoying George. He was both jealous and annoyed by the residents, and not getting to play in their reindeer games. He was grounded, not looking for things that aren’t there, when Meredith and Izzie were. I also dug that he admitted to complaining a lot. I think we’ll be seeing S1/S2 George a lot more.

Izzie. Um. They have a ways to go to not have her annoy me. And I think they underutilized Cheech Marin. He should have been a medical marijuana case. At least she isn’t doing or attempting to do George anymore. I did like her in the last episode where she was the one that Alex had speak to the healer. Can I have that Izzie back soon?

Chief – interacting with each intern. Nice. Bailey was underutilized, and same with Cristina. and Alex.

I get Hahn being a bitch to Cristina, but not Callie, but whatever.  Callie and Hahn are BFF now.

Derek and Rose. You know what? She’s eating up valuable airtime. And she’s annoying. She is in loooooove with the Dreamy captain of the football team. She’s not afraid of PDA like Meredith was. Derek, can you maybe not parade her around? Kinda dickish.  They’ve only been on 5 dates and haven’t done the nasty nasty yet?  Pfff.  Derek clearly woulda done that if he wanted to.   Someone mentioned that Mark said “You’re not sleeping with her” and Derek replied that “You don’t like her because she’s not sleeping with me?” – interesting pronoun differences.  I don’t like her cause she’s not Meredith.

Derek and Mark. My friend said that Mark really just wants a Bro-mance with Derek. Two men on the prowl. I ADORE the point system Mark made up. Eric Dane was just a pretty face with poor acting chops to me at first, but this episode and in the clip for this week that I posted yesterday, he is totally growing on me. And I know some of you hate Mark…I like him. He’s a manwhore and is scared of Derek leaving him, so he just wants his friend in casual relationships so he can relive his 20s. That’s his worst fault.

Mark and Meredith – “He and Rose aren’t gonna last”, and it is the sweet side that he shows to his favorite dirty mistress that makes me like him more and more.

Derek and Meredith. I almost cried twice in the episode. Once when George brings Derek the films for Mer’s patient and Derek says, “she couldn’t bring them to me herself”. *SNIFFLE* and then again when he comes up to her at the end of the episode and she says “This isn’t about you and me, I’d go somewhere else if I could”. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m easily emotionally manipulated, what can I say? Plus, I think it had to take a lot for Meredith to put her job above her fears about being around Derek, so good on her! And now they have the clinical trial to work on together, which means more time on the screen than just the first and last 30 seconds of the episode.

I could drool on and on, but I am still giddy about this week’s episode – Addison shows up for this week!!! So excited!

Deep breath taken.

When we last left our heroine, she was in a pissy place. Her husband had left on business for a week, and she was on a break from cycles for an undetermined length of time while her RE figures out WTF is going on.

I went out with my girlfriends to a bar on Thursday night, and it was as if the angels were guiding me. I had a lot to drink. A. Lot. Like, “metro is delayed for a sick passenger” a lot. Except I didn’t get sick on the train, I was able to hold that off until I was at home. I didn’t have the room spin, and I wasn’t hungover! As my friends said, I just needed to blow of steam. I did, and I feel okay now.

I ran (if one could call it that) yesterday, and did weights this morning. Figure that if I’m not cycling, I don’t have much excuse for sitting on my ass.

I’m pissed as fuck today.  The meeting went fine with the RE.  She thinks that the egg quality is fine, and is going to run a few tests.  Anecdotally, she says no guy with sperm issues should be on any kind of Mega Man (or just for men) multivitamin.  Just go for something plain that isn’t just for guys.

She’s having him do an SA when he gets back from his work trip next week, to check for chromosomal issues.  Additionally she ran bloodwork today to check for:

FSH
LH
TSH
Prolactin
Testosterone Free
Testosterone Total
Sex Hormone Binding
Cystic Fibrosis
Male Y deletion
Karyotype

He’s also going to meet with the internist in the practice who deals with the SA issues on 4/22.   In the meantime, we’re doing nothing.  No cycle, just waiting to see what we find.  If it is hormonal, they’ll give him drugs.  If it is chromosomal, we’ll do specific PGD.  If it is nothing, we just do PGD until it works.  Those are our options.  I asked about why ICSI didn’t help, and she said that if something is wrong with the sperm besides just the shape, then ICSI will create fertilization, but not embryos that will survive.

So I am pissed.  Pissed that I have gone through 2.5 years of treatment and this shit wasn’t checked before, because my annovulation was assumed to  be the only issue.  I’m pissed that we have to wait longer now to have a kid.  I’m pissed because we’ve been doing IVF since September, and I can’t get that time back.  I’m pissed because there is absolutely NOTHING I can do but sit and wait.  Nothing will make time go faster, and nothing is going to put a child in my arms except time.

I’m pissed because now Fred has to go away for work, he’s pissed, I’m pissed (not with each other, mind you) and the one person we need most in the world will be half a country away for a week.

I need to do something destructive.  Any suggestions?